So I made a deal with the boss back in October that I would post two journal entries every week starting in January. Since it’s only December 31, I guess this one doesn’t count. But I was feeling a little inspired so here I am. Safe to say that inspiration to write hasn’t been a familiar feeling for me lately. It’s time and I’m choosing to be inspired.
I’m choosing a lot of things these days. Joy, misery, pain, elation, exhaustion, exhilaration, motivation, pride, self-hate, arrogance, ignorance, pleasure, sadness, loneliness…to name a few. Each and every one I have chosen and more often than I’d like, I judge myself for it.
“I should be doing better than this, I’ve done so much work on myself,” is a big one. “I’m smarter than this to let this get to me” is another. “I know better” is a doozie too.
And then I flip. ”I am doing great” and “this is such an amazing adventure”. Or “I am so blessed to have been given such an awesome opportunity to learn and experience the true meaning of unconditional love”. The last one is my favorite. I need to have it tattooed somewhere. Maybe in Chinese.
I do so love and appreciate the ability to see what I’m doing to myself as I’m doing it. Awareness is the first step to something, I think.
So here on New Year’s Eve, I am aware that I want to cry. I want to cry for how far we’ve come and for how far we have to go. I wanna cry because I’m so tired and because I’m so excited for great things to come. I wanna cry because I am so lonely and because I have such wonderful friends and family. I wanna cry because I can’t believe I’m staying in tonite and because I’m so glad I’m not going out.
The only way to know the light is to experience the dark.
We’ve certainly experienced both around here and I have a preference.
In 2011, even more than I have been, I will go toward the light.
A dear friend and I decided that a great resolution would be, ”If it ain’t fun, I ain’t doin’ it”. (That’s actually the G version…throw in a few four-letter words and you’ll really feel it when you say it)
The kicker is…anything can be fun if we decide it will be. Anything. Life, death, marriage, divorce, wealth, bankruptcy, Autism. So that’s the work…how to make every moment fun. I’m kinda hard-wired for this, actually, and I am ready for it.
So here’s to a Fun-Filled and Fabulous 2011. (A couple extra F-words would be Fun there too…)
I’ll be back in 2-3 days…