February 14, 2011…Begin Here…
After my big “near-death experience”…where do I begin?
I’m gonna begin by taking ownership of all of it. I own my mother-of-all panic attacks. I chose it. Every last second of it. I could have made different choices all along the path I was heading down but I didn’t. I chose what I chose and I know where it landed me. I will not (hopefully) make those same choices again. I am choosing not to re-live that little party.
I own it and I take responsibility. I am not, however, judging or blaming myself for it. I was doing the best I could in each moment, I know that. And I certainly wasn’t doing it to myself on purpose. I was the creator but not the victim.
That feels good. That feels right. That feels true.
I’m also gonna take ownership of all the crap that stirred the panic in me in the first place. The choices I made that weren’t the best choices for me.
I’m pretty good at that…making choices that don’t serve me. What I eat, what I say, how I handle a frustrating situation…why I even choose to see a situation as frustrating in the first place.
That’s where it started. I wasn’t as patient with Jakob as I would have liked to have been. I lost my cool and snapped at him. Right before bed. I knew it the second I did it and immediately the guilt set in. I tried to make it right but it was just before he fell asleep so I couldn’t really tell if I had. God, I felt awful. Still do to an extent. I hate it when that happens. Dammit. I know better. I do. But I wasn’t being present, I wasn’t being conscious, I wasn’t being deliberate. I was tired and being lazy with my thinking. And where did it get me? A horrible night’s sleep filled with fear that I had scarred him for life and a panic attack wake-up call at 4am that landed me in the ER 8 hours later. Perfect.
It was pretty clear that the way I handled that situation was not how I would have liked to have handled it. So if that’s what I don’t want, what is it I do want??
I want to be loving and kind, especially with Jakob. I want to see the perfection in him at all times. I wanna know that when he behaves a certain way that stirs a negative reaction in me that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. It’s always my issue. It’s always me not keeping up with the person I want to be. And that negative emotion I’m feeling is my indicator that I’m not being the best version of me that I can be. Those negative emotions are wonderful reminders that I need to check my thoughts.
Awake and aware and living in the moment. That’s when I’m being my best me.
I know how to do that. I have spent enough time reading books, taking classes, studying and flying all over the freaking country taking seminars to learn how to do that.
The kicker with all that stuff though? Just because I grasp all the concepts and can see very clearly what I need to do, that doesn’t mean I always do it. Just because I “get it” doesn’t mean I’m living it every second.
And that’s ok. Even the Masters weren’t (and aren’t) perfect. I have to cut myself a little bit more of a break when I slip up.
I do know this for sure…when I am living it, those are the most amazing, joyous moments of my life. When I am in the zone and milking those precious experiences for all they can be, that’s worth writing about.
And when I’m not living it…those experiences are worth writing about too. Because never am I more clear about what I do want than when I am living what I don’t. Without feeling as though I may die, I cannot know how I want to live.
(Here comes another tattoo…back of my neck, a very funky yinyang…gotta start searching for the perfect design)…anyway…
So for now, I’m going to keep it pretty simple. I begin with being the best me I can be and that starts by being loving and kind. I believe all will fall into place for Jakob and me and so many questions will be answered from that space. So I’m gonna go to that loving and kind space as much as possible.
And I suppose that at some point that loving kindness will have to be directed at myself…what a growth opportunity that will continue to be…loving myself.
If I follow the advice of a dear friend/shrink/life coach/mentor… I guess I gotta go stand naked in front of a mirror and search for body parts I like…greeeaaaat. I promise to never write about that…well, maybe.
Just like Justin Bieber says, “Never Say Never”…(sorry, I got the Fever and just had to throw that in there…)