Jakobs Journal

April 13, 2009…a cue from him


I think Edward is really hot…sometimes. Like the scene in the restaurant in Port Angeles and definitely, the kissing scene. I wish he had better posture…maybe in the next movie. In pictures from the set, he looks a little beefier, maybe he’ll stand up straighter. I really had a thing for Jacob in New Moon and Eclipse. I could really go on and on about this and I do when I find another fan. Yeah…I got sucked in. But I’m really ok with it. The little distraction of a few vampires, some wolves and teenage drama has been really nice. It’s been a good thing.

I also went to another NKOTB concert. It was AWESOME. Now planning on returning to my former life as a groupie for a few days in June. Can’t wait. I’m sure all the old tricks of how to sneak into the front row and get close to them at their hotel will come back to me. Just like riding a bike, I’m sure.

Silliness. Fun. Not your average, everyday kind of stuff. And I like it.

I think I’m getting really close to have some breathing room. Some actual time to do some silly, fun stuff for myself. Some stuff that makes me smile and laugh, no matter how silly it may seem to some people. Trying not to give a rip what anybody else thinks…not always easy for me. I’ve always been one to worry about “what the neighbors will think”. I gotta get over that. It’s definitely something that comes naturally to Jakob…doin’ whatever brings him joy regardless of anyone else’s opinion. I’ve been trying to take some cues from him. And I’ve been having my share of deep thought surroundng this issue.

I’ve believed from Day 1 that there were a bunch of lessons that Jakob was here to teach me (and us..the big picture). The standard stuff…unconditional love, acceptance, patience and on and on. I’ve been through it before. And I still believe all that. It’s that old analogy of “peeling back layers of the onion”. Those lessons are the outer layers. Those have to happen if we’re to keep our sanity in this adventure. But I think that there are some “bigger picture” lessons here that I was certainly meant to figure out.

And one of them is to do what makes me happy. Sounds like such a simple concept but it is really? How much time do we spend every day trying to make others in our lives happy? How many different ways do we stand on our heads to try to please them? How often do we let what other people are doing or not doing set our mood? Just trying to keep up with what everybody wants from us and keeping tabs on what everybody else is doing to please or displease us is overwhelming and exhausting. I know I have spent more time trying to please others than I have worrying about my own happiness. Jakob doesn’t worry about any of that crap. He does what he enjoys. He does what he loves. And he completely ignores anyone who disapproves. He just does his thing. I envy that.

Maybe one big lesson I’m supposed to learn from my amazing son is that I need to just be who I really am, not what others think I should be. And right now, I’m a 39-year-old woman who digs Twilight and NKOTB. And I’m smiling about it.