A very bright 18-year-old made a very good observation about me recently. He said, “her mind is so busy and intense that she can be exhausting”. I laughed out loud when I heard that because I have no doubt that it’s true. I would simply add that if you really wanna experience exhaustion, live in this mind of mine for a few hours. You’ll want a long nap when you’re done.
I don’t remember being this much of a thinker before Jakob. Maybe I was and the thoughts were just about much lighter subjects than “what is the meaning of life” and “why am I here” and “why did that just happen” and “who am I, really”. Regardless, I think a lot now and it can be very intense and very overwhelming.
It seems to be at its worst when I’m tired and I’ve been very tired lately. Jakob’s going to bed later, I’m getting up a little earlier and we both have nights when we toss and turn. I wonder if his mind races as fast as mine does. I wonder what he’s thinking about. I wonder if he jumps from one subject to another. I wonder if he’s craving certain experiences to the point where he feels he’ll explode if he doesn’t have them. I wonder if he creates long lists about everything he hates about his life. I wonder if he worries. I wonder if he’s scared. I wonder if he just wants to say screw it and go out and have a few glasses of wine with his friends. Starting to get a sense of it? That’s nothing…trust me.
Analysis to paralysis.
Analyze what? Everything.
My values, my needs and wants and desires, my house, my car, my finances, my friends, boys, work, motherhood, marriage, pastries, parties, chardonnay vs. white zin vs. Bacardi, my cat, my parents, Hawaii, consciousness, self-loathing, love. Getting more of a sense? Still, that’s nothing.
I wish I would’ve done that differently. I wish I would have said that instead. Why in the world did I do that? Wear that? Think that? Go there? Eat that? Buy that? Drink that much?
Exhausted yet? I am.
When I get to this place, it’s a sign to me of a few different things. One, it’s been over three months since I’ve gotten out of town (it’s been since August). Two, I need to be doing more reading, yoga and meditating. And three, I need to spend more time experiencing Jakob.
He gets it. He gets what it means to be present and that is so what I need to remember how to do. The here and now is the only place Jakob lives.
Just look at what he does when he eats his hot dogs. This is a process he goes through every time (which is 4 times a day). See how they’re lined up? Same way every time. See the size of each piece? He nibbles on each one until they are the exact size and shape he wants. The number of pieces in each line, the distance between each piece and the space between the lines…same every time. And you should know that this picture was taken in the middle of the process. You should see what he does when he gets each piece down to a microscopic size that he still tries to pick up with his fork. That requires serious presence.
Jakob is so in the moment when he eats his hot dogs. And when he jumps on his trampoline and bounces on his ball and when he reads his books and when he’s pointing at all the burnt out lights in the house. No matter what he’s doing, he’s doing it with complete abandon. He’s living it to the fullest. Same goes for when he’s not too happy about something. Full abandon there too.
He’s also a little person who knows what he wants. He doesn’t hem and haw and weigh all his options. He makes his decision and he goes for it and God help anyone who gets in his way.
Presence. Decisiveness. Conviction. Passion. Abandon.
If I could live my life like that, being in my head wouldn’t be exhausting. It would be exhilarating. Life would be exciting and fun. If I could get rid of all the inner dialogue that sends me into a tailspin and just be…
I know how to get there, now it’s just time for me to go. And I have this amazing little blond-haired, brown-eyed light that shines so brightly each time that I lose my way. A little light that without words says “look at me, follow me, do this, have fun, be silly, be you”. I just have to remember that that light is there for me anytime I need it and it will lead me home.
It will lead me home to me.