Jakobs Journal

July 5, 2009…Sheffield, Mass.


It feels really good o be here. I’ve been needing this. I think I’ve made it pretty clear to anyone in my life who would listen that I need to get out of town every three months. I have to go somewhere, do something. I haven’t been anywhere since November…not good. And here’s why…

I have been an absolute impatient, grumpy, intolerant, disengaged, disinterested, disconnected mom for awhile. Everything was getting to me. I feel awful about it. I’d been losing it on a pretty regular basis. Add into the mix that we’re seeing so much regression from him (thanks to the detoxing) and it hasn’t been a pretty sight. But I’m here now and things are already better.

I noticed on the 90-minute drive from the airport to here that I was breathing and my shoulders aren’t stuck to my ears. That’s nice. And I’ve already started just thinking about all the things I’m grateful for instead of all the things that have been making me crazy. Jakob really is doing some amazing things and I miss him already. But I know that when I get home he will have a happier, more easy-going, calmer, more patient mommy. And he deserves that.

So this week I’m taking a course called “Optimal Self-Trust”. Good stuff. It’ll be interesting to figure out what some of my deep-seeded limiting beliefs are regarding trusting myself. I know what I need to poke around at and where I need to look…gotta figure out why I have such a tough time trusting myself in making decisions. Don’t like making them…and even when I am able to do it, I second-guess myself. The worst is when I don’t make any kind of decision and just paralyze myself. It happens enough and I can’t stand it. Analysis to paralysis is what we call it.

Certainly, with a kid like Jakob, a lot of decisions need to be made. So many tough decisions. Don’t really have the time to hem and haw…gotta move. Gotta make the choices and commit to them 100%. If it doesn’t work out, make a different decision but commit to something, damnit.

If only all decisions were as easy as deciding which pair of strappy black sandals I like best…mmmmmm, the ones that keep my toes scrunched together, definitely. If only Autism were that easy….too many toes to jam into a size 9.

One decision that didn’t require a ton of thought was that New Kids bender I went on. That was a really good call. And I knew exactly where, when and how to get tickets and our seats were AWESOME. We had too much fun. But, I have to admit…going and doing stuff like that is dangerous. It’s such a reminder of how it feels to be wild and crazy…and free. Freedom is not something I’ve felt in years and just a taste of it is all it takes to really make me pine for it. Having the kind of fun we had makes coming home like taking a frying pan to the face…bam. Reality. No freedom here. At least it really seems that way. That’s something else to try to figure out…how to feel free under the current circumstances. Got my work cut out for me this week. But, I’ve figured out tougher questions in the past so this shouldn’t be too rough.

No tv’s in the rooms…it’s kinda nice…and quiet. I like quiet. But I have my computer and I brought a movie to watch if I get the urge…no, not Twilight. Wayne Dyer’s “The Shift” with Portia DeRossi. Brought some books too…”Spontaneous Healing of Belief” by Gregg Braden, “Excuses Be Gone” by Wayne Dyer and “Gifts from A Course in Miracles”. Gonna immerse myself in it all…just can’t decide where to start!!! Damnit…make a decision!!!!!! Ok…read. Since I’m half-way through the Gregg Braden, I’ll do that. Yeah, I’ll do that…