Jakobs Journal

March 8, 2010…battle on the corner


I’ve really been suffering from cabin fever this winter. Really bad. Soooo craving a little sunshine in my life. And I’m sure Jakob has been feeling the same way. Even as a baby, he loved being outside. So with it getting all the way into the upper 40’s on Saturday, I figured going for a short walk would be a really great idea. Yup.

Walks with Jakob fall into three different categories…short, medium and long. The short takes about 15 minutes and the long over an hour. Since it was still kinda chilly out, I explained a couple of times that we’d be taking the short route. Wanna take a guess what happened?

We got to the place where we go left for a short walk, right for medium or long. And it began. “No left, go right.” Alligator tears and wailing “no left, go right”. He was digging in his heels and it was pretty dramatic. Meltdown material.

In the house, this is easy enough to handle…but we were out and about…totally different story.

In a situation like this, my mind begins to race. I was thinking…”it’s cold, I don’t want to go on a medium or long walk. I told him short walk. I can’t give in when he’s crying, I’d just be teaching him that to get what he wants all he has to do is cry. Don’t wanna do that. Slow response to crying. Go slow. This is ridiculous, really? Model for him that this is no big deal. Be easy going about this. I’m setting a boundary here. Gotta have boundaries. But do I really wanna go to war on this one? Is it really that big of a deal? If I’m gonna cave, I need to do it quick. Don’t wanna set the precedent that if he cries for an hour, he gets his way. Why is this such a big deal for him? What’s the OCD thing going through his head right now that makes it such a tragedy to go left? Something’s going on. God, I feel like such a mean mom. How far do I take this? I’m cold. I’m done. This was a bad idea. I’m not in the mood. Are any neighbors watching? Great. C’mon, Jakob, you can do this. It’s just a walk…stop crying and go left with me, please?? How can something so simple as going for a walk become so frickin complicated?? And I know that all this crap running thru my mind is making the whole thing worse…nice work, Jenn. Make a decision already. (Bleep) it, we’re going on a medium or long walk. (Bleep) it.” And all the while, I’m doing my best to look calm and smile…

Even though I feel like I have a pretty good handle on all this, there are still moments. Moments when I say (bleep) it. Moments when I cry because something that should be so simple is so hard. And I have no idea why. Maybe I’ll figure it all out while we’re in the middle of a long walk.