So It has been so long since I have written, and let me tell you – so much has happened. As I’m sure so much has happened in your life as well. And as the over-expressor that I am I must say, I have missed this just oh so much. SO here is the clifnotes version…just bc I have to re-start somewhere. And unfortunately, life got harder, so this is what is going on so- ya’ll know I came home (back to cincinnati) bc my mom is sick. She has this terminal disease that effects her neurological system and she is slowly fading in front of us. And while this is challenging and hard, it is life, so I made it a priority to come home. And since, life has only gotten better and I am forever grateful for my radio life given to me:) And then in November we found out the day after my dad’s birthday that he has cancer, stage 4 Prostate and it pretty much broke me. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. And I just did not know how to deal with it. It was all just too much. I thought it would be easy to talk about on air and make more blogs and podcasts about it but I couldn’t it was all just too much. And what was the hardest, was coming into work and pretending to be happy and funny on air everyday. Whew, that sucked huge F**king d**k for months. Everyday. Both of my parents are single and are primarily supported by social security and damn now they are both sick and we gotta pick up the pieces. And it was hard. And while I know my story isn’t the worst it can be (it can always be worse in life in general) It was/is really hard. I survived the holidays on a diet of strictly cookies, wine, and tears. And to be honest, I didn’t allow myself all the tears I needed, we all do that in life don’t we? Hide it, isolate, fake, self medicate, and distract ourselves from what is actually happening to our minds souls and bodies. And that is exactly what I did, I went silent. I didn’t know how to express myself truthfully and fully without being a complete mess. And, like usual I wanted to smoke so many goddamn cigarettes – but I couldn’t let myself commit to it. I tried to here and there but it wouldn’t stick- HELL YES. Now I know what everyone was saying in the beginning about giving yourself some time space and not to be too hard on yourself when slip ups happen. I thought about those messages a lot. In the really bad times.
And now in March, (how the F is it March already?) after listening to my people around saying to “tell the story – bring people along” and conflicting, “lets just ride this out and keep it light nat” I have come back to this 🙂 Life isn’t easy and you can’t control any of it, only your decisions of behavior within what is given to you. And I am sad really sad, but also, so freakin happy all I think about now are things that actually matter in life. Gone are the days of over exercising or over analyzing what I said to people who intimidate me. That sh*t just doesn’t matter, it really doesn’t, and it took this to make me realize all we have is time. So now more than ever I preach- In life, do whatever the fuck you wanna do with it, what you really want. You have one life let’s not waste it.
I regularly talk to my parents about how scared they are to die and what they wish they did differently and none of it is taken lightly. And I tell you what, the last thing I want to do is smoke until the day I die- Hell no. So now I am an ambassador for the American Heart Association and genuinely feel so good being more healthy as the days go on. And a part of that for me, it talking about it, it is essential to my normal functioning. Whew so thank you for listening 😉
OK wow- Damn that felt good, happy to be back. Excuse my typos, I don’t really proof read, life is too short 😉