May 29th 2019
WAIT BEFORE WE TALK ABOUT WHAT WE DO TO KEEP FROM SMOKING I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. I FU*KED UP AND SMOKED 4 CIGARETTES IN 20 MINUTES OVER THE WEEKEND.
And immediately I wanted to keep it a secret. Not tell anyone, I devised a huge plan in my head to keep it from everyone and continue to smoke. Even though I don’t even wanna smoke. I was just reacting to something I did that I feel more shame and embarrassment about. AH HIDE IT. Gosh Darn, I open myself to everyone and then when I smoked 4 cigarettes in rapid recession in that moment I told myself it didn’t count, because I was keeping it a secret. It was 3am in the morning and I was hours deep into socializing around people who were smoking and I just decided my pants were tight and I felt ugly and I was sweating and gosh darn, F it. I am going to smoke. Then once I started I was overwhelmed with anxiety and excitement and rushed thoughts/feelings I just kept smoking until I had my fill. whew. 4 in 20 minutes. Yes, I am extra about every damn thing in life 🙂 Thank ma, I get that from you.
But then once I realized what had really happened on Monday night I couldn’t sleep. I woke up at 2am and was wide awake. I was going over and over in my head how I was going to hide this from every human being ever. AH. I was overwhelmed with 2 options: 1. let it slide and slowly fade away and eventually no one will talk about it and I will silent yet boldly begin to smoke again or 2. Just start over and tell everyone the truth. DAMN. And when thoughts don’t align with our person they literally cause discomfort and harm don’t they? It was just an uncomfortable thought process for hours. I was sweating and my back began to hurt.
Until I decided – F it. Im gonna be honest about it. And as soon as I changed my thought process, I began to smile and was calm and my back didn’t hurt anymore, I relaxed. Now, overwhelmed with feelings of joy and strength- like, holy sh*t, is this ok? Will people still like me? Will I get fired? Will my brother be disappointed? How am I going to tell him? Man, I want to crawl back into my own little traveling world and ignore this. But then, I wrote about it for a little bit and asked my man what he thought (by this time he was up too) and he said he was proud of me and that YES. YES it is OK and I need to be honest or I won’t value this and then nothing counts. He knows me well. Damnit.
So here I am now, back on track. I talked about this on air today during Jon and Mine’s show and was overwhelmed with positive responses. Thank you to everyone who has reached out. It means the world. Really so much, we are so lucky aren’t we. dang. So now insert all of the fall down and get back up quotes bc we are definitely back up babe. Day 3 and full of everything. LOVE YOU ALL.