Well it has been literally 6 months since I have written. The last time was to tell you about my mom and I’s relationship a bit while we were exercising. Man, I loved those, and I still do…I even keep empty-promising myself and saying on air that I am going to start them up again…and we will…but for now it seems forced. You know when you grow out of something but don’t want to? If that makes any sense. I keep trying to get myself excited for them but honestly, I am just not. And lets be honest- its freakin cold outside and if you think I am going to get that woman (mom) outside to exercise with me in between smokes you are crazy. But something happened over Xmas I wanted to share. Mom Jake and I were talking about our favorite memories from 2020 and mom and I both said “our work out videos”. Mom started crying..she said how she felt “a part of something bigger than myself” which is a pretty big deal for her. We gave her a taste of the Qfam and now she misses ya’ll. With COVID I have had to cancel so many of videos I got exhausted and I kinda gave up. Then when Freddy came I put all my efforts into the new show..and now that is a few months in and going smoothly..I am ready for the next project. SO keep your eyes peeled for a video (maybe) 😉
And speaking of smokes, it’s time I come clean here as well. I started smoking again somewhere in 2020. I don’t know the exact time/date but I do know that by the end of the year those little bastards were present just about everyday, and I f**king hated it. How could I have found myself here again? I mean, I literally hate it, and I don’t know why I kept doing it, or started up again, but I did. I’ve never enjoyed one cig, but yet I smoked for 20 years. And anyone who has as well can understand..it creeps in on ya and then – BAM you are ripping heaters by a dumpster all over again claiming you are living your best life- hiding from everyone. Or using the excuse “Its 2020- hand me a White Claw and a cig” …at 11am, who’s judging. But there I said it, and I feel compelled to tell you bc ya’ll have been here with me from day one. I feel like we are in it together. So there I said it. sh*t. dang. heck.
SO to bring us up to speed, my last cig was on Xmas day, and I shall move forward smoke free. So far its been good, not super easy but not super hard. The want and will to smoke is completely removed. A part of me has died and while it is awesome, it also sucks, just like before. I am reminded of saying how I was worried I wouldn’t be myself again, how can I be funny and relax and just be me if I am not smoking? That question isn’t has strong in my ears as it once was, no longer fearful of how I will change so much as- I have already changed and that part of me is dead. God that sounds so sad, but isn’t that change? Dear lord 2020 has changed us all so much I can’t handle another thing to “pivot” on and I know you hear me on this. What I have seen most within my experience this past year is that everyone has changed, begrudgingly or not – we have. I have in some ways I love, (and some I don’t) – but on top of the desire to stop smoking, I finally feel like I live here, in Cincinnati. I have been on one huge exciting whirlwind since I got home. 3 years of so much brand new bliss I couldn’t see straight. My position at Q being the HUGE part of the excitement. I got the job of my dreams -albeit – my first real job- And all the while, within it – saying to myself “Oh I’m not staying here long” “give me two years and I’m back out west” or “this is great buuuutttttt” ..and when that is your inner story line, you can’t relax and sow any seeds, and really, I didn’t. Not until now. Finally at 35 I had to grow up. Damn. It was a fun ride. Not committing to anything and bopping around exploring has been an amazing 10 years. And now that part seems over… it’s time for a whole new chapter (pivot). I felt it most when I went back to Telluride for a dramatically short visit in August. I found that all of my friends have done the same, they grew up. We are all like the lost boys who finally landed in the real world. Again, damn. Most of them had babies or got pregnant this year – and thats not including Freddy or Toria – but the real grown kids who threw me a pancake dinner party when I went back for a visit and sat around with me telling stories until 3 am 🙂 And at the same time, it’s so damn exciting.
So from here, Ashley Dawn from B105 and I have new goals for 2021. Now I have to say this before I dive in- I know many people are boycotting this idea all together, resolutions etc- and – I strongly disagree with it. Goals however big or small – are essential for for daily routine and happiness, it is human nature. Setting a goal and achieving it is still wildly available and beneficial for each and every one of us, every day. And even more so now, if you are finding yourself struggling with everything going on in our world and feeling confused, anxious, defeated, and alone. I know I have been in waves all year- kinda just from reading the news day in and day out. But let me tell you this, you can still be the keeper of your own wellness and attitude. The power of the mind can transform your inner fire into whatever you want it to be. And for us this year, we are setting goals as we go and documenting it here and on my podcast every Thursday. January is DRY January. I’m on day 16 and feeling accomplished (I stopped on Xmas). And My goals are to become a group fitness instructor this month as well. I haven’t gone 16 days not drinking all 2020…its probably been longer than that to be honest. SO hell yes me, you go.
If you wanna join us on this journey…contact us and lets do it together, you. got. this.
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Until next week,
Make yourself Proud babes 🙂